the thing

hey everyone its clementine here.

how’s everybody doing? i hope everyone’s doing amazing. i don’t really have anything to say today, but i feel like i need to put my mind into something.

i had a fight with my dad, and i feel like i can’t respect him anymore after knowing the full truth about what he did to my mom. i feel so disgusted. i can’t even hold a conversation without wanting to explode in front of him. every word that comes out of me feels like anger. and i’m sad about it. i really am. it’s not like i ever liked my dad ...god no. i’ve never liked him, not even as a kid. but now, it’s like i can’t even pretend anymore. not even a little bit. my mom told me everything she went through because of him. and the worst part is, he’s still doing it now. to my stepmom. hurting her the same way he used to hurt my mom.

i wish my stepmom had really gone through with the divorce back in 2021. she was so close. so, so close to being free of him. but then she didn’t. and i think it was a mistake. my mom thinks it was a mistake too. every time she tells me about her marriage, she always says the same thing and it's that she was a fool for forgiving him, even after he cheated again and again and again. she says it like a confession. like she’s still trying to forgive herself for it.

i think love is such a stupid thing. especially marriage. it genuinely only brings you pain. maybe a bit of rainbows here and there, if you’re lucky. but the rest? thunderstorm. all over. 

i do believe that to love is to get hurt. because pain is what makes something feel valuable. pain makes you slow down and look closer. pain makes you pay attention. love is stupid. you keep trying to understand the thing that keeps breaking you. you go to sleep under the same roof with the thing that only feels warm when you’re most vulnerable. you cook for the thing that made you lose your appetite in the first place.

love is periodical. it’s transactional. it’s conditional.